Feeling "Off"

Yesterday I awoke on the so-called "wrong side of the bed". I was irritable and frustrated, and feelings about a number of things buried beneath the surface began to come to light. I told my wife as much, and I apologized in advance for any poor reactions I may have during the day.

I went to church. I confessed. I worshipped. I desperately wanted the Spirit to wash me, and I wanted to have a better attitude. I was thinking in terms of Psalm 51. I wanted renewal. I needed it.

It did not come.

I was on-edge, and we had a big family event planned for the day, but I did not want to ruin it with my sullen or curt demeanor. Before the festivities began, I took a nap, thinking that may help me.

It didn't.

As the day progressed, my attitude didn't change. I was terse, I was provokable (and provoked), and by day's end, I had made a fool of myself more than once. I couldn't sleep, but instead of prayer and Scripture, I spent time watching music performances on Youtube. After I finally lulled into sleep, I was awoken by phone ringing when a blocked caller dialed me at 2:12 AM. I was disoriented, and I answered it just to stop the ringtone, then I disconnected. They called back immediately, but they didn't leave a message. That kept me up again for a while thinking about all those "what if?" And "who might it have been?" questions.

Today, I awoke. Felt the same. Got some news that was less than encouraging. Felt worse. Now I am sitting in our room with the lights off, the open curtains allowing for a dull bluish-gray light to pour toward me. The thunder rolls beyond the window pane. It sounds like the storm is gonna be a doozy. I cannot help that is a reflection of what is happening inside my soul right now.

I don't share this to scare or discourage anyone. Yes, I want my blog to be an encouraging place, a place that drives people toward Jesus. But today--well, today--I am trying to encourage you toward Christ in the same way that Lamentations does in the Old Testament. It's in these days, and at these times--times of knowing full well our desperate need for his deliverance--that his glorious face looks so bright and necessary, not just for our eternal salvation but for strength for the moment. Each passing moment. In the day to day we can lose site of that, but not when we're here. Not when we see our need so obviously.

Thanks all for reading, and please do not be discouraged in this nor become worried about me. I have Habakkuk 3:17-19 (along with Isaiah 25:1) rolling in my mind today, and the Lord is faithful.

Thanks for reading,
C