After Three Months of Unemployment...

This week, we crossed the three-month anniversary of our move from California to Delaware. That time may seem short, but it has not felt like it. Our very nice, immensely comfortable lower middle class existence in sunny SoCal seems like a memory of another life. The constant warmth of the southwest has given way to the northeast's bitter chill; and frankly, I had forgotten just how taxing that can be day-to-day (although running in it is pretty rewarding). Everything is so different these days--the people, the culture, the tone, and speed of life.

And I have remained without full-time, paid employment. I use that wording specifically becuase I am working these days, just not on things for which I am paid (more on that this Saturday). I have applied for numerous positions, but none have moved beyond interviews. I have two major opportunities that could lead to a job starting at the opening of 2013, but it seems 2012 will close without a paid gig (as far as I can see at present). We are living in a house that is warm and loving but not our own. We are experiencing more social complications than we expected, and the dead of winter is coming fast. So yes, things have been hard. Some days have been discouraging. Others frustrating. My wife and I have had many hard conversations with each other, and I have had more than one pity-party.

And yet, in general, I am hopeful and also encouraged. I feel the need to just tell everyone with whom I speak that I still believe God is working, and I am as assured as ever that we are here with purpose. I see so much benefit from our being in the area, not only for us but those with whom we interact--not to say that we are so wonderful but to say that we have been privileged to really assist friends and family since our coming, in ways we have not been able to for years until now. I am learning a great deal about the art of writing, the habits of being a full-time writer, and the methods of self-publication and marketing that I will use in 2013 to launch my first novel. We likely will be part of a strong local church family early next year, and the Lord continues to draw my wife and I closer to each other as he continues to draw us nearer to himself.

Things are hard. They've been hard, but I've been in my Bible and in prayer more in the last three months than in any other time in immediate memory, which is saying something given how much prayer went into the move. I guess all I can say, really, is that I am truly full of thanks these days, and I feel like God has big plans for us here in the Ware (or "302", as we say on the streets).

We'll see where we are in another three months (but I'll post updates before then, I promise).

Stronghold is Finished...And It's Out of My Hands

One week ago, I completed the 5th draft of my first novel, STRONGHOLD. I solicited help from some key friends to read it based on their professions and personal experience, and I sent them both the text to proofread and critique as well as a survey to answer some pointed concerns.
Now I wait.
I presented my readers with a deadline, and I am sure they will get back to me within the time allotted. In the meantime, however, I am in a holding pattern, one that is truly puzzling. On the one hand, I am very confident in the book's premise, and I am proud of the execution--despite this being my first book, completed without professional direction or assistance. On the other hand, I am terribly insecure about my own tunnel vision and inability to see gaping plot holes, poorly-constructed sentences, and an overall lack of dynamic language and literary merit. These contrasting attitudes have caused something of a fluctuating model of excitement and terror, anticipation and anxiety.
And I wait.
And I pray, and peace comes in whispers. Solace rises in my heart. This is a strange experience to explain, but I will try. I thank the Lord for completion of the novel, for bringing me to a place to not only start the project but see it through to the end (for now, at least). I then surrender the novel to his care and for his glory, begging him to use it and to do what he will, without my getting in the way. Once this is done, the nervousness fades to grey. I accept that what the readers find will be accurate and that I have a great deal of work ahead of me that will begin anew when they return their coverage. I embrace that the Lord has prepared their hearts and minds to read it just as he prepared my heart and mind to write it. I revel in the fact that regardless of my efforts and my longing for the book's effect on others, I have no control. God does. In the end, I find it very difficult to worry over something that belongs to God. If he wants to use it, he'll use it; if not, he won't. All I can do is give him my best, which I believe I have done in this instance; and he'll take it from there.
So I wait...with great anticipation for all the Lord will do. I just want to serve him in it. Hopefully I'll get my chance.

A Stone Heart Made Living by Gentle Hands.

I don't believe in visions. Well, at least I don't have them. But here is one thing I imagined during a recent time in prayer. It's graphic, but I am a kid of the "Extreme Ultra Surround Sound 1990s", the age of Image Comics and over-exaggerated everything, so sometimes my imagination runs a little wild. In defense of the nineties, however, the below scene is more akin to the 1980s film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom than anything else. 

I was angry, bitter really. What led to this I cannot say, but my lacking tenderness was evident. I did not want to pray for whom I felt led, and much of what I had to say to the Most High was laced with a  certain level of indignation. I had to even take a moment to pray that the Sprit would move in me to make me want to pray for others as I should.
Answers come when we pray in truth.
I envisioned Christ walking toward me and without a word punching his fist into my chest. He ripped my heart from my body and, behold, it was stone--gray with tributaries of black throughout its frozen form.
With his strong, nail-pierced hands, he caressed it, even as I watched him in disbelief. As he massaged the surface of my hardened heart, the rocks began to chip away, and the debris began to rain toward the ground. It broke to dust in the air and was carried away before any of it hit below me.  The dead encasing gone, my organ lay in his hand, still lifeless and pale pink.
With one faithful grasp of his hand, gentle enough not to damage but strong enough to have effect, Christ brought life to it again. I heard the faint thumping of it pass through the holes in his palms. Blood burst from the edges as the rich crimson color returned to the muscle. With a smile, Christ tenderly returned the living flesh to my body, and as his hand left my chest, the gaping wound closed.
My heart bled, and I prayed. I hurt for those who hurt and expressed joy for those who were joyous. I prayed and praised, and my heart was as Christ's.
So be it.

Giving Thanks...One for each day in the month of November

So for funsies I decided to bullet point the first 31 things that came to mind for which I am thankful. Not shifting the order either, just letting it run. Free-associative exercise! Ignite!

I am thankful to the Lord and my Savior Jesus Christ…

1. For the song “Blocks” by Derek Webb, a deeply honest and unabashedly sincere ballad of longing for love.
2. For Social Media and the joy of constant interaction with others—old friends and new, digital acquaintances alike.
3. For potatoes and the various forms one can prepare them.
4. That The Hobbit is a trilogy now. As long as it is good, it means more time in Middle Earth, certainly my favorite fictional universe since pre-1983 Star Wars.
5. For films – Specifically Apocalypto, Before Sunrise, Do the Right Thing, Slacker, Hoop Dreams, Schindler’s List, Blade Runner, and Emma
6. To be a child of the 80s – G.I.Joe, Ninja Turtles, NES, national pride, cassette tapes, mom-and-pop rental stores. I am so blessed to not a be child right now. Children in the 2000s have social and material pressures I cannot imagine. The need for a cell phone, the assault of media without end, the loss of innocence thanks to internet deviance--kids, particularly those with two working parents and in public school, have it rough. 
7. For nieces and nephews who have given me a glimpse of what it would have been like to have younger siblings and children. Love ‘em all.
8. For the success of Pixar animation studio. Quality work such as good as theirs deserves to be awarded and appreciated
9. For my faith, the faith of my parents and a great number of witnesses before me. I adore having a worldview with a powerful, almighty God at its head and a beautiful, sacrificial Savior at its center. I love salvation and basking in the grace afforded me.
10. For church families I have known throughout my years. I am thankful for the peers, the mentors, the young, and the time spent them with them all. As we look for a new church family here on the East Coast, I do so with great anticipation for the new relationships we will form
11. For my wife. That woman…she puts up with a lot. Always.
12. For different translations of the Bible. I feel as though every language after the original Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic is something of a remix/adaptation of the Spirit-breathed text, but they all seem to lend their own beauty to the meaning. I don’t care if the KJV have less accurate semantic choices than the ESV, some passages of the KJV are lyrically breathtaking.
13. For deeper literacy in regard to not only words but images. I love the fact that books and films are more complex now than they were when I was a teen or even a college student. I am so thankful that the time invested in learning how to better experience art yields exponential rewards so constantly.
14. For the success of Scott Derrickson. Scott was an adjunct who taught my foreign Film Studies class at Biola University. He was forthcoming and insightful and fair, and his most recent film, Sinister, has made over 15x its production budget. I just love the fact that he is doing so well right now.
15. For my hearing. I love the music of instruments and the music of life--the bubbling of a brook and the rustling of wind in the leaves, the laughter of children of play and the percussive symphony of a hundred runners racing. 
16. For creativity and the practice thereof. It is no secret that I am a staunch ultimate creationist (meaning that God is the source of existence, regardless of the mechanism by which he brought it). When I create, whether with Lego or putting words on the page, I feel I am echoing the action by which all existence was made manifest.
17. For my family and friends. I have a wonderful family, I married into a wonderful family. I have wonderful friends, and I am blessed.
18. For fictional creatures: minotaurs, griffons, goblins, orcs, and gnomes. They are just so much fun. Also, pegasus. A horse with wings?  Excellent.
19. For modern plumbing. Showers, toilets, running water.
20. For my teeth. I have the strangest dreams about losing my teeth, and I always become so disheartened. I think it’s because I know I have not taken care of them as I should and my subconscious is in a constant state of reconciling that carelessness with my fairly balanced pursuit of health for the rest of my body. I am glad I have not lost my chompers yet.
21. For Crackers and Cheese. Any meal of the day, any day of the week, I can make this work for me. Oh snap, for breakfast get some scrambled egg on that jaunt—delicious.
22. For Books
23. For Pants.
24. For Laughter. What a wonderful experience laughing is.
25. That my novel has gone out to readers. I am thankful I am in a place spiritually, emotionally, and physically to have written a novel, and I am thankful that this week, I was finally able to share that completed work with a select group who will help me improve it.
26. For my relationship with Jesus Christ. Answered prayers, inherent joy, peace in the face of uncertainty, and a longing to experience and express eternal love—Jesus gives it all and fulfills it.
27. For the current, extended stint I have had without giving into lust’s temptation.
28. For the paradigm the internet has enabled for the dissemination of independent art such as books, music, and film. The day’s of limited exposure due to cultural gatekeepers has truly shifted, and the inmates are starting run the asylum. This has led to my discovering a wonderful array of art I would not have otherwise.
29. That I do not have a lot of money right now due to my lack of full time employment. The Lord provided a job for my wife so that our month to month bills are covered for phone, storage, etc; but our spending cash is severely limited. This has forced me to grow and be much more discern with my fiscal choices.  I truly am thankful for this sanctification. That being said, I do lok forward to working full-time again, when that right fit is presented.
30. For the work of David Fincher, J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Spike Lee, and Donald Miller
31. For food. Man, I love food.

Wow, so we got overlap and some oddballs, but there you have it.  Funny thing. As soon as I finished, about another dozen things flooded my mind. For what are you thankful?

5 Ways Sickness is Good for Me

Being sick is of great benefit to me. I don't know how anyone else feels about it, but I know a good cold or bout of flu does wonders for my perspective. That is not to say that I want to be sick. On the contrary, being sick fills me with a wealth of physical and emotional exhaustion and listlessness. However, some things that are exceedingly good for me are things I enjoy the least. Why do I say this? Here's 5 points.

1) Being sick reminds me of my fragility. I think pretty highly of myself--much more than I ought, I'm sure. Part of this esteem is my health and fitness, the belief that I take care of myself well, and I am still as strong and youthful as I was in my teens. Being sick tells me that I am no longer in college, and I cannot maintain the lifestyle I did then. It makes stop and assess my health choices. Sometimes it leads to make better ones (that I will inevitably drop, only to get sick again).

2) Being sick forces me to appreciate my health. Like so many humans, I take my health for granted. I feel as though I deserve it or that it's a given, but I am wrong. A great number of people do not have the health I do. As I age, my health will gradually fade. Being sick reminds of the blessing of good health, of basic abilities, of the mere opportunity to live day to day.

3) Being sick causes me to marvel at the human body. I won't give you the details of the biological warfare that took place while I was sick last week, but seeing the way in which my body rallied to renew itself was powerful. The body is such an amazing thing, and I give the credit for that to its beautiful design, provided by a magnificent Creator. When I am sick, and I see how hard my body works inherently in spite of its fragility and in pursuit of its health, I cannot help be full of gratitude to God and marvel at his work.

4)  Being sick is a wonderful pause button. I am something of a workaholic--especially these days when I am trying to edit one novel, write another, complete a half-dozen small projects, and apply for full time work. In part, I believe that my overflowing plate is due to my insecurities and need to show others that despite my unemployment I am not a derelict or bum--maybe, I am trying to assure myself of these things. But being sick last week put my work on hold and forced me to just lay, pray, and listen. What a valuable requirement!  I had nothing clouding my attention; I was basically sleeping, eating, and laying, and the laying led to praying and self-examination and Scripture-by-audio that recalibrated my attitudes and priorities when getting well.

5) Being sick recharges my batteries in order to take off running anew. Rest is hard for me; I have said as much on this very blog. Inasmuch as the body requires work to repair itself during an illness, being laid on one's back and accepting the inability to accomplish things is restful. One can resign him or herself to doing nothing and really live in that reality without feeling lazy. By the evening of the third day, when I was feeling well again, I could not believe how much I was ready, wiling, and able to dive into my tasks with focus and drive. While I lost three days of efficiency in bed, I sure made up for that time over the last week. My mind and body were ready in a way that they are not after my weekly Sabbath.

So there you have it. Being sick...maybe it's not so bad.

What Happened?

So, it's been almost two weeks since my last post. November has been a pretty dismal month as far as the blog is concerned, and frankly, I have no excuse. I knew that the shifting priorities of the month would have an adverse affect on regularly updating this little corner of the internet, but I did not think I would become such a derelict that nearly a fortnight would pass without a single update. Unfortunately, certain other projects took precedence due to their time and energy requirements, so the blog suffered as a result. Nonetheless, I felt a very real obligation to provide you with an update this morning, so here goes:

1) I have been conducting some ancillary, that is, "non-writing", projects in order to boost my resume, two of these having deadlines today and both of them now complete. This has been a huge boost to not only my confidence but my personal joy, and I look forward to sharing more details in the coming weeks as time permits.

2) I am 17K into my 50K requirement for National Novel Write Month, which means that I am behind my daily word count. This has me a bit frazzled, but it's nothing two disciplined afternoons can't solve, pending my ability to get that time. That being said, my novel is coming together, and I am finding the oddest myriad of influences within it. A few are as follows:  J.R.R. Tolkien's The Two Towers, The Biblical historical account of King Nebuchadnezzar (as told in the Book of "Daniel"), The Incredible Hulk, the narrative descriptions of Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Brothers Karamazov, and The Dark Knight. I know, a weird mix, right? Well, more to come, again, as time permits.

3) Stunks Bricks Pics, my weekly Lego Captions, have also gone on hold, but I have some in the cue, and I plan to bring them back come in short order.

So, long story short, folks. In undertaking a plethora of new projects in November, I dropped the ball on many of the regularly-updated content streams I spent two months building. This is both regrettable and counter-productive. Here's the bottom line for the back half of November: I am gonna get back to my regular posting schedule, though my posts will likely be short like this one; and I am gonna finish those things that I must by November 30. Boom. Additionally, I am going to move into December with a renewed commitment to maintaing those patterns set in place, so that consistent content becomes a regularity once again.

In my defense, I warned that November would be a shift in my posting schedule...but that's really my only defense. I know I dropped the ball the first half of the month, and I offer my apologies for that. Hopefully I'll use this opportunity to learn my lesson so that I can better manage my time in the future!  As always, thanks  so much for reading, I value every pageview I get, and I hope you all are having a blessed day!

C

5 Things I Tell Myself That May Also Benefit Other Writers

1) Write from love. You have something to say that you think will benefit others, even if that benefit is only providing a dose of healthy escape from the hardships of the world. Make your novel a love letter.

2) No one else can convict you of a being a bum. That is a right, privilege, and responsibility for you alone. A non-writer cannot understand the pangs of the writer, and no one has the right to accuse you of being lazy or lax in your creative endeavors. Only you know the levels of your diligence, self-restraint, and productivity. Practice all three so that you can be assured of your own work ethic, regardless of the opinions of others.

3) Real writing is editing; pumping stuff onto the page is pre-writing. Whether you self-publish or "get published", keep this frame of mind. That way, when you are working on your 7th draft of that chapter that your first typed so easily, you can be assured that what you are doing on the revision is your actual job. If you want to get paid, you do your job.

4) Good editing takes time. Nobody wants to believe this, and you still wish it weren't true. Think, however, of musicians. A single false note can soil a song, and your misuse of an adverb or unnecessary clause is just as sour to the eyes as the sound of the wrong note to the ears. Play the keys until the right words ring true. Your readers will thank you for it, and you'll feel you did #3 well and can be re-assured on #2.

5) If you don't love writing, do the world a favor, stop. This is two-pronged. First, if your dabbling in this profession/hobby for a few bucks, always remember that the world gets enough mindless, filtered, unnecessary drivel. If you want to make some cash by adding to it, please help save culture and refrain. If you continue, you will likely fail in making the money you seek anyway, and you will cost the human collective in terms of wasted hours and reduced intelligence. Second, if you have committed to this whole writing gig, be willing to step away when you need to. When you get angry at the process, when you can't re-read that last paragraph for the hundredth time, or when you cannot abide the idea of re-writing the closing lines of chapter 7, don't do it. Yet. Walk away. Take a breather. Re-assess. Read something that delights you. Remind yourself why writing is wonderful. Refresh. Renew. Then get back to work.

10 Observations from the Hurricane

So, my family and I were in New Castle County, DE when Hurricane Sandy touched down. We lost power at noon Monday and got it back Tuesday around 5:30. Here's some quick thoughts. 

1. Prepping for a storm is like prepping for the zombie apocalypse without the aching moral questions.
2. Losing power is not the end of the world; it is simply an invitation to do things from which electronics distract us.
3. Just because wires are down in your backyard does not mean they are live and will kill you, but operating under that assumption is still wise. 
4. Books on paper are still wonderful. 
5. Walkmen and normal AM/FM radio still have their place in modern society. Who knew?
6. You can survive for some time with sterno heaters and a few cans of soup. And, of course, water. Stock up now.
7. Writing by candlelight is just as romantic as the movies make it appear.
8. Evening passes more slowly when the power is gone, and the constant movement of flashlights will make you feel like you live in a post-Se7en horror film (or CSI). This is not conducive to feeling safe.
9. The Delmarva power company is efficient--those in their care are in good hards.
10. Those who have lived without power for any extended period of time are tough--much tougher than the average 21st century suburbanite.   

That being said, we made it. Thanks for your prayers and concern! Here's hoping some time passes before we experience that again!
C.J.

A brief update, well as brief as I write, anyway.

October is almost finished. November is about to begin.

And it will be a doozy. Major changes are coming to the blog, though I am still unsure of what they will be. October has not been slow, but it has been focused. November will be much more varied. I will likely begin a part time gig, finish the fourth draft of one novel, complete the first draft of another, submit a brand/theme to a toy company, and possibly land a full-time job. This is just how the dominoes are falling. I don't know if I can do it. In fact, of my own strength, I'm sure that I can't. I need to put all of this into a priority listing; and once I do, I need to stick to it.

Needless to say, the old schedule is done (not that I was able to keep it as well as I wanted, anyway). I still plan to role with a 6-day workweek followed by Sabbath, but I think I will need to drop a few peripheral things and ensure that I keep my eyes on point. "Point" being "Jesus, above all else".

It's funny. I feel I am working twice as hard as I did at my salaried finance job, but I am getting no pay as of yet and feeling the pressure of lacking that income. That's not to say I feel I'm off track. I'm not treading water, friends. I'm swimming upstream in the cold in the mountains; but both my wife and I are where God wants us. I still have no doubts about that. My peace is constant; my joy is apparent.  Right now some things are not where we want them to be. That's the reality of it, but not the truth. The truth is that we are okay for now, and things take time to develop. Transitions like the one we've made are hard. Life can be difficult to navigate. But I believe God is getting glory through what we're doing; and therefore, every day is a good one.

November will be rough, but I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading,
C

An Encounter with Jehovah's Witnesses

People say I am nice.

If they spent 20 minutes in my brain, they would realize I am narcisstic, megalomaniac. Not kidding, either. But for the grace of God I may very well have become some sort of Bondian villain--and not a cool specialist like Oddjob or Jaws. I would have been the henchdunce that falls into the vat in of acid. (Ha ha "henchdunce" [I should be TMing that])

But I digress. They say I am nice, and perhaps the Jehovah's Witnesses with whom I met Monday would agree. But I don't feel very nice. In fact, I feel rather foolish and rightly so. Let me tell you what happened.

A knock came at the door. A knock. And voices. These walls are thin. I answered in my writing suit (that is, my pajamas), to find two find two women carrying what appeared to be Bibles.  They asked me how I was, and I responded that I was well and hid the fact that I was very inconvenienced by their arrival. One was named Babi, and she was visting from India and also doing some evangelism.

It's hard to say no to a woman who has traveled across the world to share her faith, and it's more difficult to do so when you believe her doctrine is inaccurate. I considered the best way to respond. I thought of some of the stories Christian have told me over the years of how they treated Jehovah's Witnesses, and I also thought of I John 4, which I am trying to memorize. The incongruence between these recollections was of such level that my brain turned to vapor. I simply thought, "It cold. Ask in." which I did, though with slightly more eloquence than my brain had used during the inner monologue.

When they entered, I directed them to two specific seats, and they sat wherever they wanted. I grabbed my cup of tea and did two things incorrectly. The first was that I sat comfortably, which meant that the fly was open on my jammies, and my stripey underpants were, for all intents and purposes, no longer "under" but available for all to see. Second, I offered them nothing to drink, though I enjoyed my lukewarm tea.

I should add that during our introductions on the porch I was forthcoming that I believed in salvation by Christ. They affirmed all I said and claimed they agreed, making me feel I had missed something in my statement of faith and also that I knew little of Jehovah's Witnesses.

So, that stage being set, we chatted. They claimed their own position as being a type of Christian. They offered me a book. They read the Lord's Prayer and presented an interpretation, to which I expressed a differing viewpoint. They discussed the importance of the heavenly kingdom on earth, and I did the same with more qualifiers. Overall, we had a cordial time; even when I was firm on the fact that they were not to come back to this house.

Why then do I feel like such a failure? Was I supposed to shut the door in their face and get back to writing without a second thought?  Was I supposed to, at the very least, keep our conversations outside in the cold?

Last time evangelist's came to my door, it was my apartment in Cali, and they were Mormons. When they came knocking four years ago, I answered, informed them that I was ill,  and told them to have a nice day--but not before making some pithy remark about the Biblical canon's completion at the council of Nicea in 323--a fact set that was sure to show them I knew less about church history than they did. I have thought of those two young men at times, and I lament how I handled that situation. I wish I would have sat with them, let them speak, and shared my faith in return. Instead I told them I had far less interest in their eternal plight than they clearly had for mine.

I wanted to do this one better, and I am unsure if I did. Two things specifically lead to my self-abasement. First, Peter tells believers how to engage in dialog, by answering with gentleness and respect. This is hard, especially when you're me and say things like this, "I appreciate your offering me this [100-page reader with pictures], but I would hate to mislead you ladies into thinking I am on the market for a new faith system when I am not. In light of having these [multiple Bible translations] on my phone and throughout the house, I won't be reading this book; and I would hate for it to sit gathering dust on some shelf after you paid to have it printed."  Of course, then they just handed me leaflets. Or there was this doozy when they asked if they could come back Saturday, "I feel very uncomfortable about your doing so, for this is not my house. This house belongs to my parents; and while I will enjoy in these discussions, I certainly do not want to impose them on anyone else at this residence. You are more than welcome to tell me where you are located, and I can come there if I want to dialog, but I would ask that you not return here in the future." Plus, remember how I failed to offer them beverages.

But maybe in some circles, the above text qualifies as having "gentleness and respect". But that is not what bothers me. In hindsight I realize that regardless of my demeanor, my second issue is the major one. I missed the biggest question for each of these women, "I understand what the text says, but what do you say? What do you believe, deep down? Did Christ pay the ransom for you personally or is that just a tenant?" Had I really cared about the plight of these women and not fulfilling my own needs to be kind (or, at least, try), I think that this question would have sprung to mind. I think it would have been the first thing I thought to ask, but it wasn't.

I am in a weird head space. Part of me thinks I improved over my prior encounter with door-to-door folks, but another part of me is burdened with my own lack of concern for them as well as my selfish conceits. So, dear readers, I have a request! If you have stories about your own experiences, anecdotes on how to respond, or links to those who do, please share. I have this aching suspicion that if I continue to write from home, I am going to be navigating these waters with frequency; and I think some more reflection for such encounters will be useful.

As far as my posts go, this was a Sir-Hiss-level long one, so I value your reading all the way through it. Thanks as always,

C

Expectation, Reality, and the Grey in between.

That "grey" of course, being earl grey.

For that is what I am drinking. After a cup-and-a-half of coffee, seeing my parents off for their trip, and telling my wife good-bye for her first day at a new job, I am sitting on a couch in my boyhood home, sipping the grey as autumn leaves fall within view out the front room window. It's just me, a cup of tea, and the wonderful silence. The honest silence.

I love the silence. There was a time I didn't. At one point in my life I needed the noise, the din and hum  that kept me the quiet, for the quiet is void without distraction where one must meet the still, soft voice.

As a Christian, I believe in the Holy Spirit, the imbued seal of God on the hearts of Christ's followers, who speaks when they will listen, oftentimes in the silence. I realize others have a very different experience--they hear the nothing, a reinforcement of emptiness, an affirmation of being dust on a cosmic carpet. For some that brings peace, for others, anxiety. I lament for both, for I wish they experienced what I do--that soft, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit speaking into the soul.

The reason that his presence is so pertinent today is because I am at a crossroads where the voice is most needed. My expectation of how I would feel when my wife left for work is finally meeting reality. The collision was imminent; now it is fulfilled. Frankly, I expected this morning to be hard. I was prepared to feel like a derelict, to let all the jests of my "doing nothing" cut to my heart and wound me accordingly. I was ready to sit in the silence and weep, to feel like a failure whose faith was misplaced.

However, I experienced none of this. I have peace that transcends the cares of the world and a reminder of Christ's words in the gospels not to worry. I have been full of anticipation for the days to come and a sense of tranquility over the days thus far. I have a Holy Spirit sense of being where I need to be, at a place where a dark expectation exists but the Lord flips it onto its head for his glory.

I am not one for prophecy but the following may qualify. I am assured that someday, maybe two months from now, maybe two years, someone will have a copy of my novel--the one on which I'll work this morning after this is posted. How that person acquired it I do not know, but I know that he or she will read it; and they, too, will have a moment in the silence not unlike the one I had this morning. In that moment, the text will prove useful--how I don't know, to what degree I'm unsure; but a reader will by changed by the grace and power of the Holy Spirit, through my mediocre words set against a white backdrop. That's why I set out to write it my novel in the first place, and that endgame is coming. That expectation will become reality; and for that reason, today's expectation didn't.

Thank you again so much for reading and for joining me on this journey. I hope that these thoughts and ideas encourage you, and that you, too, find time in the silence.

C

Work stuff

So, as many of you know, I have been looking for work since my move to Delaware in August. This has been difficult. This is not an employee's market. This is a hirer's market; and for every one job, hundreds of qualified applicants may apply. This is discouraging.

At least it should be to the sane individual. Luckily, I am a writer and, as such, do not fit into this category. Sanity is overrated after all, right? (don't answer that). Bottom line is, I am not discouraged; in fact, I am really excited (remember that bit about not being sane).

My lack of work or, rather, my search for work has lent itself to some wonderful realizations, not the least of which is my desire and ability to write as a profession. I have put myself on a fluid-but-productive schedule, and seen real results from doing so. I know that if I get a job that requires self-starting, editing, and deadlines, I can excel. I enjoy it, and it comes naturally. I seem to have a certain knack for self-imposed labor, which is real writing after all, is it not?

All that to say, November is going to be a big month for me creatively. Even as I continue to look for full-time work and interim "gigs" (as we writer's call them), I'll have a plethora of unpaid projects with earning potential in the fire. I will outline them in the beginning of November, when I explain my new blogging schedule.

So, what does this mean, really? Why I am prattling on about my status as unemployed, novice writer? Because I am grateful for all of you, I am thankful to have you on this journey with me, and I want to continue engaging you on it, even as it changes or becomes more difficult. Many of you post "likes" and comments on facebook, and you have no idea how much that drives me to excel, how much it gives me that midday adrenaline boost to edit when I want to stop, how much it means to me that anything I write means something to you. I hope to repay you with some more full works in time, but for now the blog will have to do.

Thanks so much for stopping by it again! More to come!
C.J.

Limbo

For those subscribed to my RSS or checking-in daily to view my posts, I have a big apology and a little explanation. I apologize, for today I am not posting in full. I began developing one post but decided to withhold it. I then began a second explaining why I dropped the first. That too, however, had to be shelved.

Needless to say, I have much to tell, but I am uncertain this blog is the place. Once I assess further, I will post on the matter; but for now, it's all gotta stay in the basement. As my self-allotted blog-time has passed for this morning, I do not have time to develop something else. This is all that is coming until Saturday. Again, I'm sorry, as I value your visits.

Thanks for stopping by, I truly appreciate it; and I will have more as I decide what's appropriate,
C