Saturday I awoke early. Too early. 5:15 AM.
When that sort of thing happens, I have a personal practice:
Pray. I know it seems silly, and I do not know when it started, but at some
point recently, when I awoke in the middle of the night or early in the
morning—not due to a need to use the restroom but simply because my body
awoke—I began to pray. And I have continued to do so. I pray for the
Lord to place on my heart the person(s) or situation(s) for which prayer is
needed, and I just roll with whatever hits my mind thereafter. Sometimes
family, Sometimes friends. Many times I will simply pray for what strikes me and
fall back into slumber. As I said, this is a strange process.
Anyway, back to Saturday. When I awoke, I felt the need to
get out of bed, get dressed and not only pray but also spend time in the Word.
I am presently trying to memorize Psalm 51—a Psalm of confession—and I decided
to review that passage and spend some time in the last few chapters of 1
Corinthians while everyone else slept.
During my reading and prayer, I was convicted about a sin in
my life that had creaped upon me, a sin that many of you may have seen but
about which I have been obtuse. Frankly, friends, this is embarassing to admit,
but I feel it concerns you also, so I am telling you. The sin is that of
idolatry, and the idol in question has been Stronghold.
What an odd thing for a writer to say, right? Well, I have to confess that, given my
situation, I can see how I’ve dropped the ball and allowed this project that I
felt led to write become more important to me than the One who led me to write it.
Stronghold
has become something of idol to me.
Now, you may be thinking, “C.J., you’re being too hard on
yourself. You’re just really focused on the book right now because of the
release.” But the truth is that I have begun to look toward Stronghold and its release as something
in which I will find my validation and identity, espeically since the move. I
have struggled with a number of personal issues regarding self-worth and
personhood in the last 9 months, and looking back over the past weeks, I recognize
that I have seen Stronghold’s release
as the answer to some of these issues, as though its release and (hopeful) success
would justify my unemployment, my talent, or my life choices.
At times, I have seen Stronghold not as a tool God can use for his glory but as a vehicle for my own
vanity and a tool for personal vindication. I have thought to myself, “Once this
book gets released, then it’ll all make sense—the move, our financial
situation, our choices, everything.” At other vainglorious times, another
sentiment also has crossed my mind: “When God blesses this book, then it will
show everyone how good he is.”
But here is the rub of this deep-rooted folly—if I am not
showing everyone how good God has been now--even now, in the uncertain, difficult
times of testing and faith--then I have already failed to be the witness that
he has allowed me to be in the present. And what a failure that is, dear
readers. What an astonomical failure.
On top of that, God is so much bigger than this book, and
seeing this text as a source of vindication or financial security is absurd for
two reasons. First, even if the book does well, it will be God’s doing—his
preparing the hearts and minds of readers to engage, enjoy, and empatheize with
the text--so his work is still at forefront of everything. Second, the book itself is not the goal; Christ is the goal. His
honor, his beauty, and his glory are the goal. If Stronghold becomes a
bestseller but Christ looks no more beautiful than he did to readers
beforehand, I will have failed.
I do not really know what else to say other than I am sorry
for losing my focus—not only to God but to you all, for you have possibly been
the receipients of my communicating a grave and destructive outlook toward my
own success rather than God’s glory. Inasmuch as I’ve confessed it to God I
feel required to confess it to you also, as you have been joining me on this
adventure and deserve honesty and integrity. My dear readers, I am sorry.
Thanks for reading today; I know this was an especially odd
entry (even for this blog). I hope that my sin has not soiled the prospect of
this book’s release in your minds, and I look forward to continuing this
journey with you.
C.J.
C.J., as always, you inspire me to look within. To confess, repent and to look upward for my joy. Your confession is like an open hand, offering to take me along on the "Way". It need not be a lonely path, but humbleness is required. I am always struggling with my eyes more lateral than vertical. God Bless You and I look forward to reading it. Any chance you'll read "Stronghold" for audio-book lovers? J M
ReplyDeleteHi J,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your encouragement. The fact that my confession can aid you in your own relationship with God is the power of Christ at work in the body--and that is a powerful thing!
As to the book, we'll have to stick with print-on-demand and digital versions for the present. I would love to have audio book released, but it would have to be read by someone with a much better voice than me--so I suppose most tropical birds would qualify. =) Who knows, Lord willing we'll get there, someday!